In what constitutional scholars are already calling the most audacious act of intellectual property theft since someone nicked the Elgin Marbles, senior Conservatives have declared open war on Labour over the brazen appropriation of their flagship policy. Yes, you guessed it: the Tories destroy the country, they’ve always destroyed the country, and they are absolutely not prepared to let some upstart opposition party waltz in and have a crack at it without so much as a by-your-leave. The sheer cheek of it.
Sir Gavin Williamson — a man whose career reads like a masterclass in creative incompetence — led the charge at what was billed as a press briefing but which more closely resembled a support group for the professionally bewildered. “Destroying the country is our brand,” he announced, with the quiet dignity of a man who has nothing left to lose, which, given his track record, is almost certainly true. “It’s what we do. It’s what we’ve always done. And frankly, we’re rather good at it.”
The Proud Heritage of Making a Mess of Things
To be fair to Sir Gavin, he has form. The man single-handedly turned the Department for Education into a sort of administrative haunted house, where exams were cancelled, grades were algorithmically mangled, and teachers wept quietly into their marking. He also had a go at defence, which went about as well as you’d expect from a man whose most famous moment in that role involved a spider named Cronus and a great deal of unfortunate tabloid coverage. “You won’t believe what I had to try and unsee in exchange for my knighthood,” he confided to reporters, eyes briefly glazing over with the thousand-yard stare of a man who has seen things. Things, apparently, that cannot be unwitnessed.
Furthermore, Sir Gavin was keen to stress that Labour simply lack the commitment required to properly dismantle a functioning nation. “I don’t think anyone from Labour would go that far,” he said, and honestly, on reflection, he may have a point. Destroying things at this level requires a very particular kind of dedication — the sort that can only be cultivated over years of enthusiastic misgovernance.
The Curious Absence of Chris Grayling
Conspicuously absent from proceedings was Chris Grayling, the man who once awarded a ferry contract to a company with no ferries, which remains one of the most magnificently unhinged things ever to happen in British public life, and there is considerable competition for that title. Grayling, we are told, suffered an “incident” with a revolving door on his way to the briefing and consequently never arrived. This is, by his standards, a relatively minor catastrophe, and one suspects the revolving door came off worse. Meanwhile, his absence was mourned by absolutely nobody, though it did deprive the briefing of what would surely have been extraordinary additional material.
However, the show pressed on. Sir Gavin, warming to his theme with the enthusiasm of a man who has genuinely nothing else going on, proposed replacing the nation’s lorry fleet with pogo sticks. This was presented not as a joke but as a considered policy position. Delegates nodded. The Department for Transport was not available for comment, presumably because they were busy.
Tories Destroy the Country — But Make It Fashion
The broader question, of course, is whether any of this actually matters. Both parties, after all, are competing for the same prize: the right to sit in very grand rooms and make decisions that affect millions of people while apparently operating on the intellectual infrastructure of a mildly confused golden retriever. The mother of all parliaments soldiers on, bless her. In the end, the Tories destroy the country with a certain aristocratic flair that Labour, whatever their ambitions, may simply struggle to replicate. It takes generations to achieve this level of elegant, self-confident ruination. You can’t just learn it from a policy document.
We wish all parties the very best of luck. The country is going to need it.
Read the original story at NewsBiscuit (Satire).
🛒 Related Finds on Amazon
As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
