British science has once again peered into the abyss and reported back with findings that are equal parts depressing and darkly hilarious. A landmark study into the cheapest available fuel sources has concluded, with the sort of grim confidence only academics can muster, that burning £10 notes for fuel is now more cost-effective than filling your car with petrol, heating your home with gas, or indeed doing anything that requires money to function. Which, in Britain in 2022, is everything.
The Federation Researching Economic Zero-net Energy — or FREEZE, in what is either a brilliantly apt acronym or a cry for help — published its findings after what researchers described as “a surprisingly short investigation.” Professor Ron Jenkins of Clacton University, the kind of institution that sounds like it was founded in a pub and probably was, noted that suspicions had been raised when his car insurance went up two bands simply because he’d had the audacity to put petrol in the vehicle. The fuel, apparently, was now the dangerous bit.
The Maths That Should Not Add Up But Absolutely Does
According to FREEZE, the cost per kilowatt generated from a government-approved money-burning stove represents “quite a saving” over conventional energy sources. This is, if you stop to think about it for even four seconds, an almost poetic summary of the British energy crisis. We have arrived, as a civilisation, at the point where the most rational thing to do with legal tender is set fire to it for warmth. Furthermore, economists who have reviewed the study have largely declined to comment, presumably because there is nothing left to say.
Meanwhile, energy suppliers across the country have responded to the news by announcing yet another round of price increases, citing “market pressures,” “global uncertainty,” and what one insider described as “frankly just wanting to see what happens.” Ofgem’s energy price cap, once considered a safety net, is now widely regarded as a helpful guide to how much misery is considered officially acceptable.
Jacob Rees-Mogg Weighs In, As He So Often Does
No story about British economic suffering would be complete without a comment from Jacob Rees-Mogg, a man who appears to exist specifically to demonstrate that the Edwardian era had some real design flaws. Fresh from his celebrated triumph of allowing Britons to purchase vacuum cleaners that don’t exist — a policy achievement so baffling it makes burning £10 notes for fuel seem perfectly sensible by comparison — Rees-Mogg has enthusiastically endorsed the study’s findings.
“I recommend that poor people stockpile a few thousand £10 notes to keep them warm in the winter,” he reportedly said, adding, “I have.” It is, of course, entirely unclear whether this was intended as satire, policy advice, or simply a man describing his Tuesday. Consequently, it has been treated by the British public as all three simultaneously. For those wishing to understand the finer points of energy poverty, National Grid’s energy explainer is available, though it notably does not yet include a section on combustible currency.
Practical Guidance for the Fiscally Combustible Household
For those considering making the switch to banknote-based heating, experts suggest starting with a quality wood-burning or multi-fuel stove, which can apparently be adapted for monetary use with minimal effort. However, the Bank of England has gently reminded the public that technically this constitutes the destruction of legal tender, which is, in a marvellous irony, one of the few laws that remains cheaper to break than to observe.
The MoneySavingExpert energy guide has not yet updated its recommendations to include “set fire to your wallet,” but insiders suggest it’s only a matter of time. In the meantime, Britain soldiers on, as it always has, with a stiff upper lip, a rapidly emptying bank account, and the quiet, dignified knowledge that burning £10 notes for fuel is, against all conceivable odds, the smart financial move. Extraordinary times, truly.
Read the original story at NewsBiscuit (Satire).
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