Scientists have confirmed what anyone who has ever sat next to a stranger on the Tube already suspected: conscious alien minds almost certainly exist somewhere in the universe, and they are almost certainly built from something deeply unsettling. A new philosophical working paper from the University of California, Riverside argues that consciousness — that nagging sensation of being awake and mildly disappointed — does not require flesh, blood, or even a decent cup of tea to function. It simply requires… existing. Somehow. In some form. Possibly made of rocks.
The Philosophy Department Has Entered the Chat
The paper comes courtesy of Eric Schwitzgebel, a distinguished professor of philosophy, and Jeremy Pober, a postdoctoral researcher at the University of Lisbon. Together, they have produced what may be the most gloriously unverifiable argument in academic history. Their central claim is something philosophers call “substrate flexibility” — the idea that consciousness, like a decent novel or a slightly disappointing biscuit, can exist in many different forms and materials.
A cup, they helpfully point out, can be made of glass, plastic, or metal and remain fundamentally a cup. Likewise, a book can exist as printed pages or a digital file. Therefore, consciousness need not be tied to squishy grey matter. It could, theoretically, rattle around inside a crystal brain, pump through mercury blood, or flicker quietly inside something that looks very much like a medium-sized boulder having a think. Furthermore, who are we to say it isn’t?
Conscious Alien Minds: The Conservative Estimate
To support their argument, Schwitzgebel and Pober estimate that at least 1,000 behaviourally sophisticated extraterrestrial civilisations have existed somewhere across the universe’s observable trillion galaxies. They describe this figure as conservative, which is either reassuring or absolutely terrifying depending on your disposition and proximity to a stiff drink.
The philosophers draw inspiration from the Copernican principle — the long tradition of astronomy repeatedly informing humanity that it is not, in fact, the centre of anything important. First we weren’t the centre of the solar system. Then not the centre of the galaxy. Now, apparently, we’re not even the universe’s most interesting approach to having feelings. Humbling stuff.
Andy Weir Nodding Smugly in the Background
For a vivid example of what exotic conscious life might look like, the authors point to Andy Weir’s novel Project Hail Mary, recently adapted into a rather beloved blockbuster film. In it, the protagonist encounters an alien with a rock-like shell made of oxidised minerals, mercury for blood, two circulatory systems, steam-powered muscles, and — crucially — a crystal brain. The creature hails from a scorching ammonia-drenched world. Meanwhile, back on Earth, we consider ourselves advanced for having invented the spreadsheet.
The authors are careful to note they are not claiming such creatures definitely exist. They are merely suggesting it would be extremely statistically arrogant to assume they don’t. Earth’s own evolutionary history supports their point. Octopuses, bees, and dogs all process the world in dramatically different ways, and none of them have ever agreed on anything. If one small planet can produce that much neurological variety, the rest of the universe presumably went completely berserk.
What This Means for Artificial Intelligence (and Your Toaster)
The paper also briefly addresses artificial intelligence, though the two authors notably disagree with each other on whether current AI systems are conscious. This is, frankly, the most relatable thing about the entire paper. Their broader argument, however, leaves open the very real possibility that conscious alien minds could one day emerge from silicon, code, or some material we haven’t invented yet.
Consequently, the next time your sat-nav makes a deeply baffling routing decision through an industrial estate at 11pm, you may want to consider whether it is simply experiencing an inner life you cannot comprehend. Probably not. But you cannot entirely rule it out. That is essentially the entire paper’s conclusion, and it took two philosophers to get there. The universe, it turns out, may contain conscious alien minds stranger than we can imagine — which, given what humans are capable of imagining on a slow Tuesday, is saying something remarkable indeed.
Read the original story at Weird Science News.
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