There are many hills a person might choose to die on. Injustice. Democracy. The correct way to load a dishwasher. But Roy McIntosh, a 43-year-old ex-convict from the great state of Florida, chose his hill carefully and deliberately — and that hill was the alleged hardness of a Subway hero roll. In what prosecutors have formally, and with admirable straight-facedness, classified as a stale bread battery, McIntosh pleaded guilty to attacking an 18-year-old sandwich artist in the face during a confrontation at a Florida Subway restaurant. Truly, we live in an age of wonders.
The Great Bread Hardness Dispute of Our Times
The incident unfolded as these great American dramas so often do — inside a Subway franchise, beneath fluorescent lighting that makes everyone look vaguely criminal, over a bread product that retail philosophers might describe as “chewy.” McIntosh, apparently a man of strong opinions and weak impulse control, took issue with the structural integrity of his hero roll. Rather than pursue the traditional British recourse of a passive-aggressive mumble followed by a strongly-worded review on TripAdvisor, he opted for direct action.
That direct action involved striking the teenage sandwich operative in the face. The employee in question was 18 years old — barely old enough to legally purchase a beer in the United States, yet apparently fully expected to withstand the furious wrath of a grown adult man with a grudge against baked goods. Meanwhile, McIntosh, who had prior convictions to his name, had perhaps forgotten that assaulting people over carbohydrates tends to attract the attention of law enforcement.
Florida: Never Not Delivering
It would be remiss not to pause here and appreciate the location. Florida — America’s wonderfully unhinged peninsular appendage — has gifted the world an almost supernatural quantity of bizarre criminal incidents. Consequently, it has spawned its own cultural archetype: Florida Man, the legendary figure who apparently wanders the Sunshine State committing inexplicable acts while the rest of the world watches in delighted horror. McIntosh joins a proud tradition.
Furthermore, the legal charge itself — battery — is worth a moment’s contemplation. Under US criminal law, battery refers to unlawful physical contact with another person. The fact that said contact was motivated by dissatisfaction with a submarine sandwich’s crumb texture does not, it turns out, constitute a valid defence. Who knew. The judge, presumably, was keeping a very straight face throughout.
The Sandwich Industry Responds (In Our Heads)
Subway, for its part, has built an empire on the promise of freshly baked bread and customisable fillings. Their official website cheerfully invites customers to “eat fresh,” which one imagines is precisely the sort of language that set McIntosh off in the first place. If the bread was not, in fact, fresh — if it had perhaps lingered in that warming oven a touch too long, developing what bakers call “character” and customers call “a weapon” — then the entire corporate promise had been broken. However, even in that scenario, most legal scholars agree that punching a teenager remains disproportionate.
The sandwich artisan, for their part, was simply doing their job. The role of Subway employee is not, traditionally, one associated with occupational hazard beyond the mild peril of accidentally putting the wrong sauce on someone’s Meatball Marinara. Nobody signs up to work the lunchtime shift expecting to be assaulted by a middle-aged man with strong views on gluten density.
The Verdict on Stale Bread Battery
Roy McIntosh pleaded guilty, which suggests that even he, on reflection, could see that his bread-based grievance had perhaps escalated beyond reasonable proportions. The stale bread battery case now joins the annals of Florida Man history — a glorious, baffling monument to human absurdity. Furthermore, it serves as a timely reminder that if your sandwich isn’t quite right, the correct procedure is to ask politely for a replacement. Or, in extreme circumstances, go to Greggs instead. Either way, keep your hands to yourself.
Read the original story at The Smoking Gun.
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